I feel nothing
by inactiveasof2016
Summary: So this story takes place 20 years post Colossal Titan encounter. Eren is dead and Levi has become completely emotionless and has lost his sense of teamwork and camaraderie. He's experiencing some PTSD, especially since the loss of Petra. This story is told from Levi's P.O.V. and is interacting with you, the reader. Anything italicized is basically his inner monologue.


My name is Levi, but you're to call me _Captain_ Levi. Here's your barrack, please be sure to keep it neat. Your uniform is folded at the foot of your bed. Be ready tomorrow morning for your first scouting mission. For any other questions, I ask that you see either Hange or Jean.

 _I walk downstairs to my office, catching a glimpse of the drawer full of blood-stained badges, I return to my work. The usual results from one of Hange's experiments._

 _I feel nothing._

 _/_

Is that...breakfast I smell? Did you make this?...

 _Those flowers at the center of the table, the orange petals, they remind me of Pet…...no._

 _No they don't._

 _I feel nothing._

You should be thinking of yourself, not others. Humanity has been through hell for the past 20 years. At this point it is every man for himself, and the sooner you understand that, the better. You got that? Don't do this again.

 _No one has made breakfast for everyone since….a long time._

 _I won't be looking out for you, you understand? We've lost too many good people. Keep your eye on the mission, nothing…...no one else._

 _/_

Your sole job today, along with 3 others scattered at each corner of our formation, is to signal any sightings of a titan. Do not try to attack, that is what we are here for. Our mission today is to make it 200km south of Wall Maria. The purpose of this mission is to collect further intel on titans. As soon as we make it to our checkpoint, we will retreat back here, understand? Do not forget your job.

 _Why do you make me feel this way? You remind me of someone. Someone I wish I could have protected. You even look at me the same way….like you have so much trust in me._

 _I wish you didn't trust me._

Here's your horse, you have several red and black flares. Remember, if you see a titan, shoot the appropriate color and keep moving. Do not look back.

 _Why did I remind you of your job? I didn't remind anyone else…._

 _I better change my position to left rear, that way I will be the one responding to your signals._

 _I feel…..nothing…._

 _/_

After seeing the black flare coming from my left, I grabbed the reins and got to you as fast as I could. Once I saw the abnormal titan running straight towards you, I felt something. I felt like a stone had been thrown to my chest, my heart racing faster than the horse I was riding.

 _Just keep going, don't look behind._

This titan took longer than expected to kill. My maneuver gear is limited, since we are nowhere near any trees or buildings. I sliced through both achilles tendons and the 10 meter fell to the ground. I look up to see if you were anywhere near, but you were far ahead of me.

 _Good, you kept going. Wait….what am I doing? Why am I looking out for you?_

I quickly cut through the titan's nape and returned to my position. As I look over, I see you on your horse.

You are concentrated, but you are concerned. Do you have doubts? Do you still trust me? No, that's not it. You are worried….. but not about yourself.

 _Why did you trust me so much? Not once did you look back…..but I looked for you._

 _You...have so much faith in me…._

… _...as you should. I am your Captain._

 _/_

This forest will be good to set up camp for the night.

 _I sigh as I look up to the stars peeking through the leaves of the tall trees surrounding us. I look at them differently when you're with me...like I'm sharing something with you._

 _You're looking at me but I am so fixed on those stars...they are shining brighter than they used to. "Captain?..." you say._

Sorry...here, take this blanket. I have no need for it, I will be keeping an eye out for titans. Besides, I can't have you getting sick from the cold when we are out on a mission.

 _You give me a small smile as you take the folded blanket from my hands._

 _I didn't realize the chill in the air until just now. Why are you handing me your scarf?_

What's this? Your scarf? …...Thank you…

 _I know you're resting now, but I am perched on a high branch right above your tent, making sure you're safe. This scarf is so warm, and smells like…..is that vanilla?_

 _A light breeze blew through the leaves, a noise that used to scare me. Was a titan nearby? No, it's just the wind…..a chilly reminder of how lucky I am to have your scarf. I've never felt so at ease on a mission like this. I feel calm._

 _Perhaps I….do feel something…._

 _/_

Morning arrives and you return from a nearby river with several canteens of water.

 _You filled everyone's canteen?_

I see Jean confronting you, telling you to stop worrying about other people. "Didn't Captain Levi tell you not to do that again?" _Oh yeah...I did say that._

I step between the two of you. After telling Jean to go make sure the horses are fed for the next venture, I unwind the scarf from my neck and carefully wrap it around yours. Thank you for letting me borrow it for the night.

 _Are you...blushing..? Am I…?_

Look, I know I was a bit strict earlier. With our last hope for humanity, Eren, dying on us a few years ago, it has been very hard to keep everyone motivated.

 _I drank some water from the canteen you filled for me. Hm….water tastes differently when someone else pours it for you._

Your job today will be the same as yesterday, shoot a flare and I will take care of the rest, okay?

/

Another black flare taints the pure blue sky. Just like before, I rushed over to you. This titan was different. I was really struggling to kill this one. I just barely killed it after it snapped both wires from my maneuver gear. Looking down, I saw my right femur sticking out of my skin. I look to over to see you up ahead.

 _You really do trust me._

 _Wait, what was that that just jumped above you at full speed….?! Is it coming towards me?!_

You scream my name, "Levi!"

I try to move out of the way but the pain in my leg electrifies me. Damnit…...shit…!

 _Your face, you look so worried. You still trust me….but you doubt I can do this alone, don't you?_

Why are you rushing back to help me, you will get yourself killed!

 _I'm terrified; paralyzed in fear. Am I...being picked up by my head? I look down to the huge mouth, hungry for the satisfaction of another dead human. All my blades are gone from previous titan encounters...is this the end?_

 _I'm halfway in now, and as any part of me below my stomach is quickly bitten off, I hear a slice._

 _I'm falling with the dead titan now, but I see you….flying towards me.._

 _You grab me and lay me down on the ground._

 _Are those tears in your eyes…? What's happening…._

W….what're you doing...I told you to never stop going.

 _You hold what's left of my dying body in your lap, your tears falling softly onto my cheek._

 _You trusted me, and this time I was the one who paid for it…_

Look, this is it. You will have to report to the center of the formation and let Jean take the lead. Please, don't lose faith that we will make it through this hell.

Throughout the times we have been together, I've realized something. You remind me of a certain group of people I was in charge of about 15 years ago. They were burning with passion, the same flame in their eyes are in yours as well. You made me understand a concept that I have long forgotten since then….that there is value in friendship.

 _Your beautiful hair sways from another cold breeze...I'm glad you're wearing your scarf. You look like her…..like Petra…..maybe that's why I cared so much about you….I thought maybe you were my light at the end of this dark tunnel. Around you, I felt warm. I felt like the void in my heart was being filled again. I didn't want you to go away...but here I am, leaving you alone in this hell._

Stop crying…. here, take my badge from my jacket and take it with you to Jean. Get back in formation. That's an order.

 _Why're you taking your scarf off? Oh...you're giving it to me….won't you get cold?_

 _I watch as you wipe your tears from your face and return to your horse. As you vanish into the distance, I look up at the sky. The clouds are so beautiful, so soft….this scarf is so soft...and warm._

 _I finally feel something._


End file.
